


Saint Jim's magic cock - an Essay by H. Bullock

by nishiki



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gen, Harvey does not believe that Oswald is a good guy, M/M, Married Couple, Martin is Oswald's adopted son, Mayor Oswald Cobblepot, Oswald is a good man, POV Harvey Bullock, Reformed Oswald, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 15:34:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14937026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nishiki/pseuds/nishiki
Summary: According to Harvey Bullock, Jim Gordon has a magic cock. He turns good women into crazy harpies and one truly evil man into a good guy. Or in other words: The story in which Oswald abandons his evil ways and becomes a truly good and reformed man and Harvey is buying none of that.





	Saint Jim's magic cock - an Essay by H. Bullock

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how that happened.

It would have been an understatement to say that the entirety of the Gotham City Police Force had been in a frenzy, yes almost an open revolt, when news got around that their newly appointed captain, a headstrong young idiot named James Worthington Gordon, was in a romantic relationship with none other than the equally young and headstrong kingpin of the organized crime. The fact alone that Jim Gordon had somehow managed to get into the pants of the man he had sworn to destroy on many occasions and succeeded to throw off his throne twice in the past couple of years alone was enough to might get Jim fired not only from his new position but out of the force in general. And not for the first time either.

No one seemed really interested in this, though.

No, as usual, his colleagues were in it for the gossip and the drama. They wanted to watch how this would all unfold and how this relationship would eventually break apart again. They all knew that it was inevitable, including Harvey Bullock himself. Of course, he, as Jim’s partner and best friend, had learned the truth about Jim’s infatuation with the Penguin a little earlier than the rest of the world.

In fact, he had caught them making out in the back of the evidence room by the back door. He hadn't gotten a chance to confront Jim about it on that very day, however, because immediately after this had gone down, Jerome Valeska had started terrorizing Gotham one last time. The day had ended with Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot in a blimp over the Gotham river after he had somehow managed to get on Jerome’s bad side - which had surprised no one.

He, as Jim’s good friend, had, of course, tried to talk sense into the man. He had tried to appeal to his moral compass and that he could not possibly think about truly dating someone like Oswald Cobblepot.

» _Hey, what you do in your bedroom is your thing, Jim, alright? I am cool with you being bisexual and stuff. I don't care if you fuck a guy every once in a while. Hell, I wouldn't even care so much if you would just shag that freak for fun. If anything it might be good for our dear flightless bird - dislodge the huge stick he got up his ass, perhaps even. But the thing is, Jim, you are telling me here that you_ love _this man and that's where we have to draw the line, okay?_ «

Even for his standards, those words had been chosen poorly and he had known right then and there that he would find himself being Jim’s best man on the day he would marry Oswald just to spite Harvey. Lo and behold, this was exactly what happened.

Looking at Oswald and Jim from this perspective, they truly deserved each other and it was only a matter of time until one of them would wind up dead. Strangled, after some silly fight over dirty dishes. They were both incredibly ill-tempered and, coming from an Irishman, that had to say something for certain.

Soon, Harvey had figured, Jim would realize that he and Oswald would never work out in the long run. No matter how appealing the idea might be to Jim, no matter how exciting it surely had to be to live in such constant danger, which was probably speaking to this darker side in Jim that he always tried to keep hidden even from his best friend. Sooner or later they would both realize that they were too different to work as a couple. Jim would wake up one day and realize what he had known before, that Oswald stood for everything that was wrong with this city and what a huge mistake it had been to marry this man.

One year later, they were no closer to that day. In fact, one year later, Harvey found himself staring in awe at the newspaper headline reading ‘ **The Penguin strikes again!** _Former underworld boss Oswald Cobblepot bought yet another orphanage in the narrows and is planning on renovating it, for more on this story turn to page 12_ ’ Reading this headline, he could almost hear the voice of Valerie Vale praising her new scoop on the city’s most beloved _former_ gangster-bird. What was more surprising than this headline, however, was the small gift basket of freshly baked muffins on his desk, that were adorned by a few cute little fondant penguins, making it clear from where those came even without the card attached to it.

»So your husband bakes muffins nowadays.« Harvey addressed his partner as he lowered the newspaper just to catch Jim shoving one of the muffins into his face before he took his feet off his table and sit up straight. »I hate to break it to you, Pal, but your suit is starting to become a bit tight.«

Jim almost choked on the bit of muffin that had lodged itself in his esophagus. Served him right, that handsome bastard. »Martin wanted to bake a few.« Jim explained coughing. »There is some science fair in his school today and the parents were asked to contribute something to the buffet. And like always they overdid it.«

»Who would've thought that the Penguin is such a phenomenal housewife.« Harvey huffed. »Really, Jim, you have me in awe here. I mean, after Lee and Barbara … You finally scored the perfect wife and it's none other than Oswald fucking Cobblepot.«

He could not even begin to interpret the grin that was tugging on Jim's lips. »Jealousy is not a very attractive trait, you know?« His best friend joked with mirth in his blue eyes.

»I am just worried for your well-being, that is all, Boss.« Harvey immediately went in the defense, even though with a small laugh as he raised his hands in surrender. »What if he has lulled you in a false sense of security to poison you now slowly with those Muffins? Maybe this is all some sort of sick and very delayed revenge.«

»And what would he gain from that? I am the poor fuck in this relationship, as you might remember. If anything _I_ would benefit from poisoning him instead. I would be a rich widower.«

»That is true but unlike your husband, you are a good guy.« And it surely would not be beneath Cobblepot to poison his own husband. No matter what Jim would tell him. The man was just spiteful like this.

»I told you before, Harv, Oswald changed. He is a different man now. He is a good man.« That was what Jim had told him for a year now ever since this whole shebang had started in the evidence room on Bruce Wayne’s birthday. »Don't you remember how he saved Gotham last year?«

»How could I? You guys never let it go.«

Needless to say,  Harvey was not convinced. No matter how many orphanages Oswald would renovate or build, that would change nothing about the fact that he was a criminal at heart. He had just somehow convinced Jim that this was not the case.

Another half a year later, Oswald was appointed mayor again. And if that wouldn't have been enough already, he also got a medal for all his good deeds for the city and was praised as a prime example of a truly reformed criminal. And while everyone around him, especially Jim, was sucking this all up and believing every bit of this whole charade that Oswald was putting on, Harvey Bullock was not buying it. A man like Oswald Cobblepot who had lived and breathed for his crimes and already lied when he would just wish people a good morning, would not suddenly just stop committing crimes and turn into a good citizen like this. It just wasn't happening, it was not how the world worked. It was not how _Gotham_ worked.

It was this thought and his years of working at the GCPD that made him come to the decision that he would prove to the world, but more importantly his good friend Jim, that Oswald was not who he thought he was. And it was this decision that made Harvey, in the end, follow Oswald Cobblepot around town in secret.

He hadn't planned on doing so at first. It had been pure coincidence the first time around that he had grown suspicious of Oswald’s whereabouts when he had followed a lead into the Narrows and spotted the newly appointed mayor walking down one of the many dirty streets in this infamous neighborhood only to walk right into the abandoned factory that had once been occupied by Lee Thompkins for these price fights she had organized.

 _Reformed my ass_ , he thought as he followed Oswald instead of going after his own lead at first. His informant would be there in a few minutes still but catching Oswald red-handed was a one time opportunity. For a few months now, this abandoned factory belonged to Nygma after he and Lee had finally split for good. They had almost killed each other in a fit of jealousy and rage during this whole chaotic mess with Jeremiah Valeska and his bombs and after that, wisely, decided to stay far away from each other. Of course, Jim was the reason for Ed’s jealousy and the fact that now everyone knew that Jim was married to a former mobster was not one to Lee’s liking either.

It had been clear from the start that Thompkins was still in love with her ex-fiance and she had loathed Oswald even more after their relationship had become public. Barbara Kean, on the other hand, had been present at their wedding with Butch Gilzean and Tabitha Galavan in tow, claiming that it had been only a matter of time that Jim and Oswald - Ozzy, as she called him - would get together. In her eyes, it had been inevitable from the day on which Jim had _not_ shot Oswald at the pier.

If anything, Oswald was walking through dangerous territory all alone right now and that in itself was quite suspicious. He never went anywhere without his hired muscle these days - and for good reason too.

Harvey found Oswald inside the factory together with Nygma and before he could think twice about it, he pulled out his phone to start taking photos of the scene from his hiding spot behind a few stacked crates that contained God-knew-what. There was money being exchanged in a thick envelope, wandering from Oswald to Edward who was shortly counting the bills, and a few hushed words before Oswald turned to leave again.

»Oswald!« Ed shot after his ally and Oswald turned around just in time for Harvey to duck back into the shadows behind the pile of crates again. »Thank you. I really mean it. You wouldn't need to do this. Lee will be very thankful for this money and the children of the Narrows will thank you too for it and for the books.«

»You don't have to thank me, Ed.« Oswald replied with a smile. »We are old friends, after all.«

A week later was the next time that Harvey saw something suspicious going on. It surely wouldn't be suspicious in and of itself would Oswald visit the Sirens club. It wouldn't be suspicious would he visit the club at nighttime to have a good time and a few drinks while his husband was working late again and his son was watched by none other than Victor Zsasz himself - which was a whole other can of worms if anyone was to ask Harvey. The fact alone that Oswald was employing a known assassin as a babysitter for his adopted son was probably more than enough to question the legitimacy of his so-called change for the better. He had no idea how Jim, of all people, was cool with that.

Still, it was not nighttime and Oswald went into the club with one of his bodyguards during brought daylight. Everyone knew that Barbara Kean meant trouble and as for Tabitha Galavan … Well, no one could tell Harvey that someone as vindictive as Oswald Cobblepot would just forgive her for killing his mother all those years ago. Yet, that was exactly what Oswald wanted him and the rest of Gotham to believe. This and how he had helped Butch Gilzean to get better and marry the woman he loved. In fact, Jim and Oswald had been at the party. Surely Oswald was following some ulterior motive in all of this. He was probably just waiting for the right moment to strike and kill Tabitha or Butch, lulling them into a false sense of security.

Following him inside the club unseen was a lot harder but somehow he managed even that and was again witness to how an envelope of money was exchanged from Oswald to Barbara just as he walked into the club.

»Harvey!« Oswald smiled at his sight and seemed not even a bit startled by his arrival. Well, even when they had caught him red-handed in the past, Oswald had never appeared to be startled by it or even remotely guilty. Why would he now? »What brings you here?«

Barbara, meanwhile, looked as if she had bitten into three lemons at the same time at the sight of Harvey. »I was curious what the mayor of Gotham wanted in this club at such an hour. I thought it was a bit early to drink but thought to myself ‘Hey, that makes the weird little guy actually a lot more sympathetic’. What's in that envelope?«

Oswald’s eyes fell on the brown envelope that was lying on the countertop of the rounded bar between Barbara and him. None of them had even the decency to try and hide it. »Oh, this? It's money, and quite a bit I might add.«

»Blackmail money? Drug money?« Harvey asked in a conversational tone as if they were talking about the weather while he was giving Oswald all those options to choose from.

Oswald seemed confused for a second there before he snorted and broke into a small laugh. »None of the above.« He chuckled.

»It's for the expenses I will have when hosting his little charity gala in three days.« Barbara chimed in. He had to admit that he liked this much calmer version of her a lot more than the unhinged harpy she had been during the past couple of years.

»Charity-«

»You got your invite, didn't you?« Oswald now fully turned towards him. »I told Jim to deliver it to you personally! I bet he forgot and it's still in this ugly black jacket he loves so much. Anyway … Of course, you are invited to the charity gala as well. I decided I would host it on a yearly basis from now on, the cause changing every year. This year we are trying to raise money for the renovations and modernization of the Narrows and funds for the school that Edward Nygma wants to build there. He managed to acquire an abandoned factory a few months ago and wants to transform it into a school for the children of the narrows with evening courses for the adults.«

Barbara rose her glass of champagne to that. At least someone was already drinking this early in the day. »And hosting it here at the Sirens will get my club a bit more publicity too. It's a win-win situation!«

When Harvey left them a little while later, Barbara and Oswald had just started talking about the flower arrangements. Needless to say, he was buying none of this. Oswald could not honestly think that Harvey believed for one second that he was doing all of this just out of the goodness of his own heart now. He knew that Oswald had never had the best opinion of him but surely he wasn’t taking him for that stupid, right? And even if that was the case, Oswald could not possibly think that his husband of all people was stupid enough to believe this. Then again, Jim had always had a thing for wanting to believe that his partners were without fail in the past. Surely Jim saw all the suspicious activity but he let himself be swayed by Oswald’s words because he wanted to believe him so desperately.

They were at city hall two months later for a routine check-in with the mayor. In other words, Jim had forgotten his lunch at home and Oswald had demanded him to come over and get it. It was almost sickening to Harvey how domestic all of this was. How normal it all seemed. The only things about this that weren't normal was the fact that it was not Lee or Barbara or any other beautiful young woman greeting his friend with a kiss and his lunch when he stepped through the doors of Oswald’s office but, in fact, Oswald Cobblepot. The Penguin. The bane of Jim’s career. A criminal. None of this was normal.

As they had entered the office after just a sharp knock, Harvey just caught glimpse of how Oswald quickly put something in the top drawer of his desk. Jim had either not seen it or chosen to ignore it. Yet, as Jim and Oswald left him alone for a moment because Oswald needed to show something to Jim in the next room, Harvey quickly took the opportunity to walk over to the desk and open the top drawer. There was another envelope in it and a small box right next to it. This time, he was sure that he had finally found proof of Oswald’s illustrious affairs but he quickly closed the drawer again and walked back to where he had been standing as he heard Jim and Oswald return.

Just as Jim was about to part from his betrothed, however, Harvey could no longer keep it in as he cleared his throat in a manner that made it too obvious even to the two lovebirds that he was demanding their attention right now.

»Is everything alright?« Jim asked with furrowed brows.

»Sure, Brother.« Harvey replied calmly but let his eyes wander to Oswald now instead. »I just wondered what the mayor put so hastily away when we entered. You know, I don't want to pry, or anything, but it looked an awful lot like we, the police, were not supposed to see it.«

»Harv what-«

»You know, Detective Bullock, I must say that you are not especially good at tailing people you are trying to observe.« Oswald even had the audacity to confront him with a small smirk on his lips as he remained close to his husband. Harvey could not even claim that he was surprised that Oswald had actually noticed him tailing him. The man was darn intelligent and it would have surprised him perhaps more if he had not noticed Harvey through this all. Still, this put him now in a very dire situation too because how the hell was he going to explain this shit to his best friend who already looked at him like a confused poodle doused in vodka. Still better than Jim’s constipated smile that he got to see far too often for his liking.

»I don't know what it is you are going on about, Mr. Cobblepot.«

»You do realize that I noticed you following me around town, do you?« Oswald sighed but rolled his eyes as he stepped towards his desk. »Nevermind. So you really want me to show you what it was that I so _hastily_ tried to hide from the police?«

»Harvey, what is this all about?« Jim seemed angry by now as he stepped a little closer but neither Harvey nor Oswald - especially not Oswald - were about to back off. Oh hell no. He had already risked so much just by confronting Oswald. His friendship with Jim if nothing else. Jim would be angry with him no matter what so why not go the extra mile?

»Please do.« Harvey instead turned to Oswald. The smile on the other man’s face was eerily similar to what he was used to from the former career criminal. It was this same shark-like grin that he had always loved to show the world back in the day.

»As you wish.« Oswald said with a little theatrical bow as he stepped behind his desk, followed by Harvey. Meanwhile, Jim seemed still confused beyond belief and the smile that he had worn just moments ago when kissing his husband, had vanished entirely. With ease, Oswald pulled out the top drawer and took out the small box and the envelope that he had put inside previously. »Please, Detective, would you do me the favor and open those for me?«

Harvey shortly glanced at Jim, but his friend was still as puzzled as before and so Harvey grabbed the envelope opened it carefully and pulled out what was inside. Certain to find money - possibly for bribery - he found only a bunch of photographs inside. »What the…«

»Photos.« Oswald stated. »I had them enlarged and copied and my assistant picked them up earlier from the store. Not the blackmail material you hoped to find, I believe? Though, of course, in due time I will definitely use those for blackmail. In approximately round about 10 years from now.« Most of those photos Harvey now had in his hands were of none other than Oswald’s adopted son Martin, showing the boy in various different situations in his everyday life. »I wanted to decorate my office with them. You know to let me appear a bit more human and less monstrous to the world whenever I would greet guests in here.«

The sarcasm and snark in his words almost sent shivers down Harvey’s spine. He felt incredible dumb all of the sudden but the feeling only worsened as Oswald gestured to the box on the table. »Please, Detective, there is more. Maybe this is more to your liking.«

»No … It's alright.«

»Oh, please, Detective. You've come so far now. Don't stop just yet.« There he was again, the manipulative king of Gotham that none of them had missed.

Harvey bit down on his bottom lip as he put back the photos but then he grabbed the box on the table. Oswald would not let this go and they all knew this. So, why not get it over with then? The box was small but big enough for something like a bracelet or a watch perhaps. It was plain and white but the material costly. A gift box without a bow. With one last glance at Jim, Harvey finally pulled the box open only to reveal a gold watch inside the package. He could tell by the timeless design and the name on it that he could not even begin to pronounce right, that this was not some cheap knockoff watch but something very pricey and exclusive. Well, it had to be if Oswald wanted to use it for bribery.

»There is a card that's going with the box too, actually.« Oswald chimed up. »Would you like to have that as well?« Oswald’s voice was teasing and as he looked at him, he noticed that he already held the card in his fingers. Harvey suddenly grew aware of the two pairs of eyes drilling into him and so he snatched the card away from Oswald.

As his eyes darted over the words written on the card in Oswald’s meticulous handwriting, he truly felt like the biggest idiot.

»Happy Birthday, Detective Bullock.« Oswald’s words took him by surprise, although he could read them on the card in his hands. The smile that had spread over Oswald’s pale face, however, was honest, no matter how much he wanted to believe it wasn’t. There was no ill-intention, no grudge that he held against Harvey. »Of course … You were meant to get your present later today at the big party…«

»I…«

»Feeling silly yet?« Oswald then huffed a laugh.

It was not much later, as he and Jim walked down the sidewalk, that his friend patted his left shoulder with a smirk pulling on his lips. »So you followed Oz through town in hopes of finding dirt on him so that you could prove to me that he is still evil?« He felt even stupider when Jim spelled it out like this. He hoped the groan that left his throat was enough to answer this question.

»Okay, okay I admit that I was wrong, okay? Apparently, your precious darling husband is not going back to his criminal ways. Hurray! But can you fault me for being worried? I mean we are talking about the Penguin, after all!« And the fact that Oswald had organized a huge surprise party in city hall, which was what he had shown his husband prior to all this drama, did not make any of this less embarrassing.

»You could have just trusted my judgment.« Though his words might sound like criticism, the grin he shot Harvey made it clear that he didn't take all of this too seriously.

Harvey stopped at that and put a hand on Jim’s shoulder, facing his best friend with all the seriousness he could possibly muster at this moment. »You, my friend, have a magic cock. I can't find another explanation for it. You turn good women into crazy harpies and an evil man good.«

 


End file.
